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So You’re Moving To Germany? | Tasteless Traveler
Advice

So You’re Moving To Germany?

posted by The Gopher June 16, 2016 comments
Germans getting trashed on a typical workday

I have lived in Germany for over two years now. It’s been an experience to say the least. Some of the things I expected of the Krauts are dead on, some not so much. If you are thinking of moving to Germany, these are the most important things you need to know!

Red Tape – Red Tape Everywhere!

German residence permit application

German Residence Permit Application

Upon arrival in Germany, you will be met with red tape, miles and miles of red tape. You can’t do anything in Germany without filling out some ridiculous form or getting permission from some fat cat at city hall (Rat Haus in Deutsch, they call it as it is at least!). Some forms even have forms to explain why you are filling out multiple forms! You see, the Germans love paperwork, after football, it’s the nation’s favorite past time and for good reason.

Paperwork weeds out the weak, allows you to practice you penmanship, and gives jobs to millions of good folk that would otherwise be jobless.I know my girlfriend loves nothing more than coming home from a hard day at work to fill out my paperwork, she thought it was good before, now she has twice as much since their language is impossible to master for a non-native speaker!

Fuck It, The Spacebar is Broken

WTF do you sell?! If anything???

WTF do you sell?! If anything???

The Germans take great pride in their language, mostly because the words are so fucking long and difficult to pronounce. These long unpronounceable words allow them to spot a foreigner before they even enter the shop, the poor Auslander’s eyes gaze over trying to figure out what your shop’s name means, if anything! It’s as if the spacebar was permanently broken on every computer in Germany, they collectively said fuck it and just allowed the words to cram together. My girlfriend tells me this allows the Germans to be super precious, I think they just enjoy seeing the rest of us suffer in misery, as if der die das wasn’t hard enough.

Take a look at the name of this shop. WTF does it sell? Feet? Ground for feet? Fuck it, there’s too many words crammed together for me to even bother, I’ll just take my business to Amazon when I need something for the ground of my feet.

The Pants Are Female

National hero checks to make sure he is male, even though the pants are female

National hero checks to make sure he is male, even though the pants are female

For a native English speaker that doesn’t really speak any other language, it may come as a shock that nouns can be feminine, masculine, or neutral. Take a pair of pants for example, die Hőse, the die is rather important as it indicates that the pants are feminine. This in turn affects how you would refer to the pants later (think these, those, his, etc.) which I still don’t completely understand to this day. I am still stuck on the fact that the pants, something that is generally associated with males, is feminine. Who the fuck decided that pants, back in whatever century they came up with this word, was feminine.

Unfortunately it doesn’t end there, all nouns have der die das and it is something that MUST be memorized with the noun. If you fail to memorize if the noun goes with der die das, you’re fucked. Germans will forever be snickering anytime you try and utter a sentence in German because you said the pants were male. A friend told me articles weren’t important, so I ignored the article, what she left out was it’s not important if you don’t want to fully understand something. Back to integration course for me!

I am convinced that when the words were being conceived, a bunch of drunk Germans took turns spinning a wheel that would randomly determine if a noun was der die or das. I mean hell, how else do you come to the conclusion that the pants are female?!

Church Tax

Ugh. As if this guy wasn't a complete dick already.

Ugh. As if this guy wasn’t a complete dick already.

For an American, it would be unthinkable to have the US government actively collect money on behalf of the church but strangely enough, that is what happens in Germany. I can think of no other institution that has lasted as long as religion that actively preys on the fear of people to enrich itself. I find it appalling that Germany actively collects for what is essentially a giant scam. Thankfully, you can opt out of this tax by declaring agnostic/atheist when registering with the government for the first time. Just don’t be a pussy like me and cave to your nagging girlfriend that “everyone has a religion in Germany”. This coming from my girlfriend that isn’t religious, doesn’t attend church, but gladly pays the church tax because she refuses to declare a non-religion. WHY?!

She isn’t the only one either, of the German’s I asked in my very scientific poll, most said they aren’t religious but pay the church tax anyway. Why pay for something you don’t believe in, don’t attend, and get nothing from?! It would be like me donating to PBS (haha, jk PBS, I am sure someone’s TV remote gave up while trying to skip your channel but got stuck during pledge week). None could explain it to me. I guess they must see it as insurance so the country doesn’t collectively go to hell for previous crimes against humanity.

Oh if you think the church tax is bad, wait until you find out what GEZ is, you’ll cry.

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