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So You’re Moving To Germany: Part II | Tasteless Traveler
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So You’re Moving To Germany: Part II

posted by The Gopher June 28, 2016 comments
Brandenburg Gate at Night

So you’re moving to Germany? Well there are some things you need to prepare yourself for. You aren’t in Kansas anymore! This is a sequel to my first article, So You’re Moving to Germany, one of many more to come I am quite sure.

Germans Love Their Dogs, More Than They Love You

When I lay around and do nothing all day, I am a lazy fuck. When a dog does it, it's cute.

When I lay around and do nothing all day, I am a lazy fuck. When a dog does it, it’s cute.

Germans love their dogs, way too much and it’s kind of creepy.They consider the dog as part of the family, more so than you will ever be. If you do not greet the dog as if it were a human in the family, you are in for a scolding. My girlfriend is no exception. I have been scolded many times for not saying hello to the dog. Really? It’s a fucking dog, it doesn’t care. It’s excited no matter what. Even if it was emotionally hurt that I didn’t great it, it would soon forget. I don’t see the point honestly.

I am near positive I was a cat in another life, I’m just not a big fan of dogs. Dogs are dumb, they eat their own shit, smell, shed, need more caring than a newborn, and are loyal to a fault. I think people that hold their dogs in a higher regard to a human life are even more stupid than the pointless animal. No your dog is not special, no I don’t care what you think it did that was so special. Anyway I am getting off track…

Back to why this is a problem. There are more pictures of the dog on the wall than me, more pictures of the dog than my girlfriend for that matter. Last time I was at the future in-laws, I counted 34 pictures of the dog (usually by it’s self), five of my girlfriend, and zero of me. This was from the visible pictures, the family albums are essentially only of the dog too. How many pictures do you need of the dog just sitting there, it looks the same in every fucking picture with a slightly different background! I don’t get it, I really don’t.

Imagine how that makes a human feel knowing that the dog is more important than you? This is made more ridiculous by the fact my girlfriend is oblivious to her own mother treating the dog better than her. She would do anything for her dog but can’t drive a 90 minutes to see her own daughter. Pretty sad really.

I would be more impressed if the animal didn’t shed EVERYWHERE and didn’t eat it’s own shit. Guess you didn’t train your dog the really important things.

Vegetarians

Amen.

Amen.

As you probably guessed, the Germans are pretty big on animals, even if they aren’t a dog. Then it should come no surprise to you that there is a very large percentage of Germans that are Vegetarian/Vegan, around 20%. I was shocked when I first learned that statistic, this is the land of sausage, schnitzel, and many other tasty meats after all. Get ready to be lectured by a German vegetarian or vegan anywhere you might go where meat is readily available!

I honestly don’t care if you are a vegetarian but do not push your views on me, this includes your non stop Facebook posts about the crimes against animals, fur is murder, etc. We get it, you are against enslaving animals in any way. We do not need constant reminders. All the Germans I have on Facebook are guilty of doing this and repeatedly. I think as a world, we have bigger problems to deal with first and foremost, but these people never mention those problems.

I think vegetarianism/veganism is a farce at end of the day. Why? Most don’t think animals should be used as a benefit to humans in any way. Ironically enough, most of these vegetarians enslave animals as their pets. I find it hilarious when these vegetarians get upset with zoos but end up having a dog at home, exactly the same thing. If you believe animals shouldn’t be used as food, clothes, or as entertainment, don’t hold a animal hostage for your own comfort as a fucking pet. It’s completely hypocritical. I have more respect for vegetarians/vegans that do not have pets than those that do have pets. At least they are consistent. That or keep your mouth shut about why you are a vegetarian because you don’t look smart arguing against enslaving animals but enslaving one yourself in the form of a pet.

Cleanliness

The German definition of a clean kitchen. -cries-

The German definition of a clean kitchen. -cries-

Outside Germany, we think of German’s as organized, clean, highly punctual people. Nothing could be further from the truth. All Germans I have met are slobs, those with pets are more guilty than those without (because the animal is shedding everywhere, they let them on the furniture, in the bed). Germans vacuum maybe once a month, clean the bathroom once every three months, and worse, leave dirty dishes sitting out while going away for a weekend. WHY?!

When i first got to Germany, I tried so hard to keep our apartment clean. It was impossible. My girlfriend was constantly making a mess and never cleaned it up herself. She would eat at the couch, drop crumbs, but instead of sweeping them into her hand, something any sane person would do, she would sweep them onto the floor. Her dishes pilled up, she spilled things and left it, and even would track dirt in without a care in the world. Obviously one cannot spend their entire waking hours cleaning after their significant other, I have to work for a living after all. Soon we were infested with Silverfish, hundreds of them. It didn’t stop there, we soon had an excess of spiders, earwigs, and centipedes too.

My girlfriend isn’t a unique case either, I have seen countless Germans do the exact same thing in their house. They don’t care about cleanliness what so ever. Looking for bleach for cleaning? You’ll find some stupid crap instead under the sink that is all natural, bleach is unheard of here. Yeah, let’s just live in nature, then we can leave the messes for the bugs in their own home instead of attracting them to ours.

House Shoes

A pair of house shoes and normal shoes. Only German's can see the true difference.

A pair of house shoes and normal shoes. Only German’s can see the true difference.

As children, growing up in America we were taught that shoes belong on your feet when you are outside, shoes come off inside. Shoes scuff up hardwood floors, wear out carpet, track dirt/grim everywhere and make a ton of noise. In Germany, you have dedicated house shoes. There isn’t anything special about the shoes, they’re normal shoes but only worn inside the house. They still scuff up hardwood floors, wear out carpet and make a TON of noise.

Most houses in Germany are hardwood floors so you can imagine how awful the floors look and how much noise someone makes wearing house shoes. I can tell you why Germans lost World War II, the allies heard them all stomping around in their houses.

It swings back to cleanliness, since the Germans rarely vacuum or do any sort of cleaning, they obviously need shoes inside the house. They don’t want dirt in their shoes (house and normal), even if their house is full of dirt, the shoes are the important part.

Dear Germans,

I have a solution for two problems on this list. Vacuum at least once a week. Then there is no need for your crappy house shoes and your house won’t look like you live in the 1700’s.

Sincerely,

The Gopher

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